I am so nervous. I started this blog for writing and interacting with everyone out there. I have never done it before. The reason I started is because I love writing. I can use other platforms but that would mean everyone I know will read my thoughts and as I want to stay anonymous, this platform will be the best option.
Journal writing has been my favorite thing but sometimes you need to talk to someone about what is going inside your head and I would like to interact with you all and know your thoughts. It would be great to know there is someone out there who might feel the same way I do.
One more thing that I would like to add is that I will use nicknames for the people from my real life for privacy purpose. I hope that would be okay with everyone. Would like to hear from all of you.
I will be back again to pour my thoughts here through words, till then take care everyone.
I was listening to the songs and I came across with the songs that I used to listen to 6 years ago (give or take). All of a sudden, tears started to fall all over my face.My tears were telling me stories from the life I have had lived.
My tears were so desperate that I relented and listened. Those were stories where I was the main character without realising, unaware of the fact the I was indeed the part of those stories.
They told me the stories where the girl suffered alone in her pain and misery. The girl who was so naive, sincere, innocent and earnest. That girl was so pure. The girl who wished well for everyone, even for those who were digging holes for her. The girl who cried every night and day silently because she couldn’t bear the pain that was inflicted on her. The tears she hid behind her smiles.
The stories were about the girl who was criticised and laughed at because she was oversensitive, because she felt everything deeply. The girl who had soft heard that broke so easily. The girl who had fake friends but she was never one.
The girl who was always willing to help everyone. The girl who was there for everyone. The girl who was trying to stay on the right track. The girl who kept people in her heart. The girl who let others walk over her heart. The girl who believed people were truthful like her. The girl who didn’t know people were liars. The girl who was betrayed. The girl who was tortured emotionally for years. The girl who had every right to live happily, to live a life.
I cried for the girl who was no more, who got lost in the cruelty of the world. The tears told me the story of the girl who lost her precious years to the ruthless people, the years she would never get back. I cried for her loss. I cried for her wounds. I cried for her scars. But mostly, I cried for Her! Because she would never be that Girl ever again. I cried for her because she lost herself. I cried for her because she was innocent and nothing was her fault.
I am so so for my long term absence. I didn’t mean to but my life gets in my way. I meant to tell you that I changed my username to the parrot blogger. It was ribbonfairy with unbounded words. I just felt like changing it, so I did.
Okay, coming to the point, I have started my content journey. I took up training course for content writing where I’m getting to learn many things about it that I didn’t know before. I’m so happy for it. It’s the first step toward achieving my goal but at least, I am taking baby steps, and well, small steps are still steps. besides, I had to create an account with my real name and info on another website where I have to upload my content.
My mentors are really nice. They do positive criticism that help us in improving our skills. They answer all our questions so well and with patience. I’m blessed with great mentors.
They give us tasks on writing blogs on different niches like health, pets, lifestyle:fashion, travelling, marketing and recently, on technology. I’m familiar with some while others are new to me. But I find it challenging and fun except when my anxiety and depression hit me and I feel like giving up. (Yeah! That’s so me)
I haven’t chosen topic for tech niche yet. I have to decide one soon since I have to submit it today.
P.s: I’ll the use parrot blogger as signing off at the end of the post from now onwards. I hope you people will forgive me for changing it. 🥺🥺🥺
Do you like writing in general? Are you planning to be a content writer? Do you have any tips or suggestions? Hit me up in the comments.
I wouldn’t have thought 2020 would be a ride on the rollercoaster of disaster after disaster back in January, 2020. When the year began, I was hoping for something better. I thought my mental health would get stable with time, that I would be done with my degree by April, 2020 and that I would find a job and I would be one step ahead in route towards my independency, but things never go as planned.
Things were going on with usual ups and downs of life. I wouldn’t go into details but when on March 13th arrived and the lockdown was announced resulting in the delay of my ASRB meeting, I didn’t know what to think anymore. I had to pay extra semester fees (for two semesters) although Covid-19 wasn’t the fault of students. I tolerated the unfair system of my university and the way my supervisor treated me made it worse. His unfair attitude made me willing to give up on my degree. My mental health took its toll on me and my migraine got more frequent than ever. I struggled with everything going on and tried not to quit. It was all I could do.
Time went by and I started to look for distractions. I started a blog for venting my thoughts anonymously there. I started reviewing books I read on different platforms. I read a lot of books as reading always helped me in coping with life. I tried to get closer to the creator, almighty Allah. In short, I did everything to stay sane.
I learned more from life in 2020 than I had ever learned in my whole life. I started to appreciate things I had and to stay grateful for all the blessings I was bestowed upon. I learned to spend quality time with my family. I tried to be there for everyone who needed an ear to listen, a shoulder to lean on, and helped others in any way I could even when I was on the verge of breaking.
I pushed back my limits as far as I could. I think 2020 changed me a lot as a person although nature can’t be changed but still it altered the way I looked at things and life in general. I still get emotional when I look back at 2020 and I have no inkling how long it will make me cry or when I’ll be able recover from the trauma, if ever, but sometimes you have to bleed and break so that the light could travel through the cracks and seep into your soul. That’s what happened to me.
January has been tough month for my migraine and mental health. I couldn’t read much because of my migraine and depression. Depression has engulfed me in its flames that I am unable to put out. I am struggling with it but still it burns me.
In regards with everything that I was going through last month, I read nine books. I would have read more if I weren’t struggling with life. Anyway, I read nine books, two of them is missing in the photo as it was an ebook.
The books were:
This book was on my tbr since 2019, I guess and I kept delaying it but finally I was able to read it. It’s the final book in ‘The secrets of immortal Nicholas Flammel’ by Michael Scott. The ending was a bit sad but satisfying.
This book is based on the life of a kpop trainee and real life experience of the author, Jessica Jung. She was the member of Girl Generation. This book was so shocking and I couldn’t just shake the feeling of dread and discomfort while reading it.
The Time Keeper
This book was quite unique and full of lessons. I think everyone needs to read this book to appreciate the present and to realise the value of the moment one lives in.
You had me at Hello
This book is supposed to funny and light read but for me, it wasn’t. I didn’t like this book at all.The main characters were too immature and indecisive.
It is the sequel to you had me at hello and was better than the first book.
Our story ends here
I don’t even want to talk about it. This book has a poor story. Fairytale combined with tragedy. The author needs to research deeply before writing about serious topics like terrorism.
The second book in the books of beginning series was full of action and mystery. It was so good that I couldn’t put it down until it finished reading it.
One another disappointment in my reading experience was this book. Why do authors write books like wedding night? And not to forget the disrespect it had towards the religion. Religion shouldn’t be used as a joke.
Reasons to stay alive
One realistic book regarding depression and recovery from it. It triggered my depression and I cried fo hours after reading this book.
I am just hoping February will be gentle towards me but guess what? Today is the first of Feb and I got migraine.
If you have read this far, I am extremely thankful to you.
A collection of short stories, set between “A Peculiar Royal” and its sequel, “The Imperiled Heir, continuing the adventures of Prince Tristan Lockridge as he adjusts to royal living! Stories include: ‘Once Upon an Arranged Marriage’, where you learn story of the arranged marriage of Tristan’s beloved grandparents ‘Once Upon an August Affair’, where Tristan is not so happy to learn about the crush Aliona once had on August ‘Once Upon a Wild Stallion’, in which Tristan’s obsession with a beautiful rogue horse causes him to disobey his grandparents’ orders and leads to serious consequences and more…
Author Bio: Alonna Williams has been writing since she was a little girl. It started with a short story and soon progressed to novels. Aside from her debut novel, A Peculiar Royal, Alonna has worked on, and grew up with a Pirate series entitled, Pirates of the Withering Coast, which is her favorite series of all and is due out in 2021. When she’s not writing you’ll most likely find her dancing, whether it be, Tap, Ballet, Jazz or Lyrical, or watching a good classic movie or of course, bingeing Disney+ CONTACTCONTACT LINKSLINKS: • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/alonnawilliams • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Authoralonnawilliams • Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/alonna_williams
📙 I want to review Reasons to stay alive by Matt Haig.
🎀This is a book about a very painful journey of depression, so realistic and painful. It triggered my depression and panic attacks that I had buried deeply inside my heart/mind. But that only made me realize I was trying to run away from it instead of facing it head-on. I cried a lot, maybe all night because the pain was too much.
🎀Unlike other books that give you advices to stay positive, think positive etc, it stay utterly realistic telling you all the troughs and crests of this journey and hence gives you realistic picture. The author shares first-hand experience of this journey. It points out there will be rise fall and rise in the process and that, to accept whatever you feel. It asks you to own it and then manipulate it. It is a long process and one shouldn’t expect it to be overnight process.
🎀I know my journey will be completely different from the author but at least, I know someone is out there who understands what I’m going through. I just wish I could just ignore all my responsibilities like author did for many years but crap! I can’t.I have to study, complete my Mphil and get degree along with studying for B. Ed.
But there is one thing I need answer to. What if I don’t have any will to heal or recover?? What if I’m too tired to try at all. What if I just want to give up??
Qotd: have you gone through any bullying? Do you have depression or get panic attacks or any other mental health issue??
I never knew writing research article would take ages, ages because of my procrastination and laziness. I mean yeah finding relevant literature is challenging but honestly speaking, I am not giving it enough time. Damn it. Why am I like that? My degree is getting delayed because of that. Still I don’t even budge.
I keep telling myself I’ll do it, I’ll do it but I don’t find the courage to open my laptop and start it. It’s not that I don’t have the guts but it still scares me. I don’t know why. it scares me that I would not be able to find the relevant and required literature so I keep delaying it. This won’t work. Unless some miracle is sent my way, I’m doomed otherwise.
It’s 5:29 am again and I wasted all my day (again). Ohh God! What am I supposed to do? I don’t need extra problems. I am already struggling with my other problems. I am getting panicked and anxious which won’t help me either. Lord help me.
I spent my whole day having migraine and then after midnight, around 1 am, I took my medicine for migraine because it was getting unbearable. Now I’m dizzy and my vision is blurry.
On top of everything, my aunt is coming today which means there is no chance of doing it today either. Ughhh it’s like this universe is against me. I miss my best friend who really motivated me to write my thesis when I was writing it. So I did my thesis in about 2 months (with my migraines, that says a lot because I get migraine frequently. When I get migraine, I don’t do anything.)
So finally 2020 is over and new year has begun. I wish I could be happy about it genuinely but when you are in crisis, you can’t find happiness in anything.
When you really like something and everyone is against you, asking you to quit, can you really feel happiness in anything then? I guess no. So I started this year full of pain and sorrow. I don’t even want to fake a smile. I don’t have any energy left.
My heart aches all the time and I’m stuck between two sides, both of them are important for me and I can’t choose one. I won’t be happy without either side. So as I said, I’m stuck. I just want to disappear and never come back again.
The only good thing I can tell you is that I’m planning to start workout soon. I hope I’ll do it because it will be good for me but seeing how I feel, I might even lose will to do it either.
There are so many battles that I have to fight. I am bleeding all over. The enemies are too many and I’m alone. No one is on my side.
As I said in my previous post, I’ll never be the same again ever. No matter what happens, I’m scarred for a lifetime and nothing can change it.
I don’t understand anything. I’m just numb. It’s like few moments of peace cost me a lifetime sorrow. I shouldn’t complain though. I don’t know how to manage and how to deal with the hell I am going through. I don’t think I can win. Maybe I should just give up and let myself drown. What else am I supposed to do in this society where submission from girls is necessary and if you state your opinion, you are bad and disgusting.
I am taking all the blames and accusations from people around me. I am the shunned one. I don’t want to see anyone right now. That’s the reason I’m sitting alone in lawn and I’m freezing here. My feet are so cold, I can’t feel them. All I can think is why all of this is happening to me. Where did I go wrong? Will I suffer till I die? Yes, I guess.
I am sorry about my ranting but I just hope I’ll get your support atleast. I hope you’ll understand me. Keep me in your prayers.
It has been a long time since I last posted something. Sorry I keep delaying making posts and all but really I was going through a lot and I had no idea what was going on. I mean things are still messy but today I’m okay.
I marked 27th Dec, 2020 on the calendar since it’s the reason I’m here today. I know the title of my today’s post won’t make much sense to you all but trust me, soon it will make sense to all of you. Just stay with me.
I will never be the same me again, like ever. Because yesterday changed everything, me, my life and my mind. So the old me is long gone and I have to work in this new me to find positivity and make myself a better person than I was yesterday.
I still have a long way to go. I just ask everyone to pray for me and keep praying for me so that I can achieve my goal. I have set a lot of goals and I want all of them to be achieved one by one, each of them because all of these goals are important for me in developing my personality.
If you have read until now, I’m really thankful to each and everyone of you.